My knowing God- not just about Him, but knowing Him, started with Jesus. Pretty much as soon as my mom started taking us to church, I believed the story of a man who was God who died on a cross so He could forgive my sin. And the promise that I could live forever in Heaven. As a 4th grader, that idea really appealed to me. Over time I came to know more about Jesus... but realized I didn't really know Him- I had knowledge, not relationship.
One Sunday- I must've been in middle school- we sang a song that said a lot of "I love you" to God. I struggled with the lyrics- I had no trouble saying I thank God, praise God, am willing to serve God... but I didn't really feel like I loved Him. I asked Him to help me- I knew I must be a horrible person for not loving God... over time He helped me understand that He's the one who enables me to love Him, just as He enabled me to believe in Him. And I did gradually come to truly love Jesus. I prayed to Jesus, thought about Jesus... was happy to know and have a relationship with Jesus.
Gradually, however, I realized I only felt I had relationship with Jesus. God the Father felt distant and scary. My head knew God the Father and Jesus the Son are one, that Jesus revealed the Father- but my heart couldn't seem to believe it. Once again, I asked God to help me, because I knew I couldn't change myself. One night I was reading Genesis- chapter 1- and it suddenly hit me. God the Father created me in His image. It wasn't just Jesus (although He was there)- God the Father chose to make me IN HIS IMAGE. When I realized that, I suddenly knew that the Father loves me. He made me to be like Him! He must LOVE me. Instead of seeing Him as a scary Father, I saw Him as a doting Father. It changed my relationship with God- I now felt connected to two Parts of the Trinity.
There's an obvious problem though- Trinity refers to three, not two. Growing up in an Assembly of God church, I learned a lot about the third Part- the Holy Spirit. Once again I had lots of head knowledge- could even teach it to others- but my heart wasn't on the same page. I had the hardest time seeing the Holy Spirit as a person, as "equal" to the Father and Jesus. I could pray to God my Father, and I could pray to Christ Jesus... but it felt so awkward to talk to the Holy Spirit. As you might guess by now, the only thing I could do was pray- "Lord, help my heart know the Holy Spirit the way my brain does."
At this point I have to take you on a little side trip. I didn't comprehend how to be friends with the Holy Spirit, but I certainly did know a lot about baptism in the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues. I knew enough to know that as a college student who was teaching Missionettes, I should already be baptized in the Holy Spirit. But I wasn't. One year at camp (I had gone all 6 years as a girl, now I was there as a sponsor) there was an altar call for anyone who wanted to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. I KNEW God was prompting me to respond- but I didn't. I was too embarassed to let anybody see that I, a sponsor, still wasn't baptized in the Holy Spirit. I wanted people to think I was more spiritually mature than I was. I ignored God's prompting- tried to pray by myself in my seat- but it didn't work. I continued to pray for weeks to come- with no results. I knew why, too- I had been disobedient. God had clearly told me to step out and I didn't, and now He wouldn't honor my disobedience.
Several months later, I went to a Bible study at church. The teaching was on Isaiah 61:1- the Spirit of the Lord has anointed me... at the end the teacher asked us to pray and allow God to tell us what He was anointing us to do- He might ask some of us to go encourage or pray for another, or to pray to forgive someone, or give us some instruction for after we left. I was sitting directly in front of a dear friend who I respected greatly, and I sensed God tell me to pray for her. At this time I didn't pray with anybody! Sure I could pray for her silently, pray for her at home- but to go up to her and pray for her so she could hear me? No way! I sat there struggling with God, while my friend didn't budge. It was totally unlike her- she ALWAYS would've gone to pray for someone. But she was still standing there, alone. Meanwhile the teacher kept saying "some of you still haven't done what God is asking you to do. God is telling some of you to go pray for someone and you're still not..." Finally I couldn't resist any longer, so I turned around and breathlessly whispered to my friend "I need to pray for you." I prayed- quite hesitantly at first- but I sensed God's power and it became quite comfortable- and by the time I was done I found myself praying in tongues! God had baptized me in the Holy Spirit, not when I was asking Him to, but when I'd been obedient to Him! I learned a BIG lesson in obedience that day. As if I needed any more confirmation, my friend then said as I was praying she'd felt like electricity was running through her body. God wanted me to be SO sure He would be faithful when I obeyed, He'd even made sure she experienced Him in a powerful way.
So I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, a "mature Christian"... but that didn't mean I lived my day-to-day life in relationship with the Holy Spirit. I still thought of Him as more of an it, more of an entity, an aspect or part of God's character, but not a person who was fully God. And I knew that was wrong- my head knowledge told me my heart was still behind- so I continued to pray. I made some progress- began to learn what it was like to listen to and talk with God on a daily basis. But I still thought of it as talking with God- either the Father or Jesus- not the Holy Spirit. I didn't know how to move forward- I knew only God could change me.
By this time I went off to medical school, and during the next nine years while I became a doctor, I struggled spiritually. My time was consumed with medicine, and I wasn't often around people who reminded me I could be in relationship with God throughout the day. He seemed more and more distant. And I began to recognize a knew problem- I had the HARDEST time believing God loves me. I have no doubt He loves- truly LOVES- every other person on the plant- but for some reason I just can't let myself believe He loves ME. I've spent years praying for God to help me through this- another case where my head and my heart don't match, and only He can make it right. I've prayed for insight as to WHY I won't let myself believe/receive His love. I've wondered if it was because my earthly father wasn't always loving. I've wondered if it's because of poor self-esteem, or just the opposite- pride in my own accomplishments. I've wondered if I'm afraid- if I allow myself to believe someone loves me like that, He might disappoint me. But I've made no progress... until this week.
I've moved to Montrose, started a job I KNOW God intended for me- and didn't even have to look for a church because my friends- the same one I prayed for years ago- live here and attend a great church! The church started a new Bible study this week- a John Bevere study of the Holy Spirit. I went for two main reasons- because I know I've been "distant" from God and need to spend more time reading the Bible, praying, studying, etc now that I'm no longer consumed by residency, and to continue working on meeting people at my new church and in my new community. That sums up my expectations.
If you've never heard John Bevere teach, get a recording of one of his teachings. He is DYNAMIC. (He's now right up there next to my favorite radio Bible teacher, Chip Ingram). The first lesson in this series drove home the point that the Holy Spirit is a PERSON and He's fully God, not an "it" with some of God's attributes. His 30-minute teaching dramatically changed the way I think about God- and the way I pray! I'm just beginning to get to know the Holy Spirit as my best friend, but my head knows He is in a whole new way, and my heart is feeling more comfortable with the idea than ever before. But God isn't just answering my prayer to help me know the third Part of the Trinity. He's also teaching my heart about His love.
John said something along the lines of "the Holy Spirit is desperately desiring to be your closest friend" and went on to describe Him as my Comforter, Helper, Strength, Wisdom.... I can't begin to do justice to all the roles He desires to play in my life. John actually emphasized the fact that we could spend a lifetime getting to know Him and still barely scratch the surface. But what could be more exciting than spending the rest of my life pursuing an intimate relationship with the God who holds the nations of the world in His hand like a drop in a bucket. The God who will supernaturally empower me to connect with others, solve impossible problems, persevere through any trial, find joy in any circumstance. The God who is always with me, waiting to give me peace, wisdom, hope, joy, guidance, comfort, protection, encouragement, strength. The God who's permanent purpose and calling is to always be by my side and help me live out the life I was created for. There is NOTHING more exciting, more fulfilling, more satisfying, than living in intimate relationship with God- the Father, the Son, AND the Holy Spirit. And if God, the Holy Spirit, longs to be my friend through each and every day... He must really love me!
Holy Spirit, PLEASE speak to me today, throughout the day. Remind me to quiet myself enough to listen. Guide me when I'm connecting with others at work. Give me wisdom when I'm making decisions regarding my patients. Strengthen me when I face challenges. Comfort me when I feel lonely. Reveal to me, over and over and over, how incredibly great Your love is for me. Help me receive it- if I truly knew, deep in my heart, Your love for me, it would change everything. Perfect love casts out all fear... so perfect me in Your love. I dream of the day when I can "live like I'm loved"... when you can change the world through me because I live each day as you lead me.
"What If" by Scott Krippayne
Love can move mountains
Love can swim oceans
No matter how tall or wide
Love is a refuge
Love is a Savior
And you've got it all inside
It can make you do crazy things
Cuz love will erase the fear
Chorus:
What if you lived
Like you were loved
What if you did all the things
Your heart's dreaming of
What if you sang your song
At the top of your lungs
What if you lived
Like you were loved
What kind of chances
Would you be taking
What sort of difference could you make
Would you let go of the secrets
That you've been keeping
If love was your shield and strength
Or maybe you'd give it all away
To someone in need of hope
Repeat Chorus
What are you waiting for
There'll never be, never be a better time
No one could love your more
Than He who gave His life
Repeat Chorus
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