The Reason I Clean

So, how was your weekend? I am always MOST grateful when we get a 3-day weekend- we can't always even count on a 2-day weekend! But school was nice to us this time. Here's how I spent my time--- Friday- got home early, took a nap, watched Judge Judy... can't really remember what else I did. Probably spent time on the computer. Saturday- fought off a cold, took a lot of naps. Found websites about fundamental mormonism (more later). Read some of my ICU book. Don't remember much else. Sunday- church! Walked around the Waterfront, then spent several hours hours on the grass, reading and watching the birds (chasing cardinals). Got free food from my landlord (she doesn't think it's right to eat canned spaghettios for dinner on a holiday weekend :) Monday- slept LATE, woke up to realize my allergies WERE going to make me pay for all that time on the grass. Went kayaking with friends from school. Came home exhausted- nap time! BUT... all weekend I was determined to "attack my kitchen" and get my laundry done. Guess what??? I'm doing my laundry and my kitchen is already half-clean! It will feel SO good to have that done. Ok, so what's the point? Well, it's self-discipline. I live alone. I'm the only one who ever sees my mess. Why should I cook- for myself? Why should I clean- for myself? Actually, I SHOULD cook and clean for myself! Because NOT cooking and NOT cleaning is a huge source of stress- I worry constantly about the money I spend on eating out because I have no food at home. I frequently berate myself for not cleaning, because I think it's something I "should" do and when I don't I feel like I've been lazy or lack self-control. (In reality, every medical student I know has a dirty kitchen so it actually says nothing about me and is simply proof that I'm in med school!) So perhaps I should stop feeling guilty for things I don't do because I don't "have" to but feel I "should" do- and instead just do those things I feel I "should" because I feel so much better about having them done! If only it were that simple. But far too often my desire to see my kitchen clean or my closet full of clean clothing isn't enough motivation to make me actually get up and get to work. It's easier to say I need to study, or to say I'll do it tomorrow when I have more time, or most of the time, to think it's such a mess and I'm so far behind already, one more day won't make a difference... Inevitably I reach the point where it's bugging me TOO much... when I just can't walk past those dirty dishes for another day- then I clean. (I know this sounds a lot like aimless rambling here but stay with me, I really am heading somewhere!) Everytime I DO get everything clean, I tell myself I'm going to keep up, not let things pile up, stay disciplined... and somehow it never works. This is where you come in- I always come up with answers much more quickly when I think outloud. So thanks for listening in! Why do I have such trouble keeping up with routine chores? Is it lack of discipline- I'm lazy? Or lack of motivation- I really don't have a reason to until it's bugging me, since there's no one else here to be bothered? Is it a personality- some people need everything clean, some people are happy being more "chaotic"? Or is it something more than all that, something deeper. Does my ability to "keep up with chores" reflect some state of my heart, perhaps how I feel about myself? Or how I feel about life- how much hope I have? Somehow, it's easier to clean when I know I'm doing well in school than when I'm worried about a test. Somehow that good feeling I get from seeing my apartment clean seems a lot more important when I'm happy with myself as a person, instead of discouraged by all my faults. God wants me to be a faithful steward of all He's entrusted to me. He wants to see that I'm well-able to manage my "kingdom" before He expands it. Maybe the next time I'm tempted to leave that dirty plate on the table, or put the laundry off for another day- maybe that's when I need to say "I'm doing this for you Lord"- and feel good that not only is my home clean, my Lord is pleased. Not because I'm not lazy, not because I'm not undisciplined, but because I'm doing my best with what He's given me, because I want to bring Him glory in all I do, even in how I take care of my apartment. Wow. I've never really thought of cleaning that way. Maybe I should go finish cleaning my kitchen! Coming in future blogs: how I'm doing w/keeping up with chores, God's grace for all the things we "should" do, how this discussion relates to how we use our time and how God wants us to use our time... and unrelated subjects like fundamental Mormonism (as promised), books I've read recently, the baby ducks on the Allegheny River (at least I think it was the Allegheny...)... and life in the ICU! This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.